That moment when your heart drops because you thought things were going okay, but you hear him praying and he prays that he won’t make it through the night. Or you tell him you love him and he says it’s a shame because he hates himself.
You don’t know whether to be scared, whether you try to talk him around, or whether it is only talk and you just have to wait it out.
You wonder where he is at on a scale from sad to despair to suicide ideation to actual something will happen. You try not to think about it too much because you’ve heard this talk before and nothing happened then, but you realize a lot can happen in a day when you’re at work and you don’t know about the close calls in the past. And you don’t know how serious it really is and how much the days of silence, the flinching when you try to touch him, and your mono has drained you and made tonight seem more intimidating than maybe it really is. In observing the signs you don’t think it’s “that bad”but a part of you still wonders about “what if.”
Then you chide yourself for being melodramatic…
…he’s laying in bed, what’s really going to happen tonight? But you realize its not just about the suicidal thoughts, its the realization that a human soul can only take so much without sustaining even more permanent damage and you wonder how much he can take. You’ve heard him already dreading his next birthday, feeling like a failure. You feel the heaviness and wonder what to do to make it better and you wonder what to do realizing there isn’t anything to do but turn to your Father and Savior to ease your pain because he can’t feel their love and he needs someone in the trenches so he knows he’s not alone.
You know he loves and cares about you,
just hours earlier he was talking you through your fear of the dentist, helping you see the fears, he empathized with you, and helped you take one moment at a time. You know that he cares for you deeply, it’s just the dark crowding in clouding his thoughts, hurting him.
You hide each night from sleep because you fear the repeat. You fear the what if of what tomorrow will bring. You feel cheated by today not from any one thing, but feelings built up overtime and hope for some peace in tonight before tomorrow comes with who knows what. But you keep going because even though you can’t “do” anything you being there does make a difference. Him talking you through his fears helps him know he makes a difference. Facing this together proves to the voices in his head he isn’t alone. Hope comes when he can share and know he won’t be judged.