What I Wish Someone Would Have Said about the Loneliness of a Spouse with Depression

02 November 2019

What I wish someone would have told me …

How much I would rejoice on the weeks my husband can come to church with me.

How lonely it can be to say I love you and rarely hear it said in return.

To not count birthdays with expectations,  just plan for a normal day and if anything comes, great 

To not let missed expectations ruin the joy of the little pleasant surprises that might happen.

How precious holding pinkies could be after a month of watching him flinch at attempts to touch.

Having him say no repeatedly and only after making other plans finding out he was ready to say yes in his head.

Going to family occasions alone, feeling like I’m single even with years of marriage under my belt.

Feeling forgotten after a night in silence with each of us in separate rooms.

Having him be so caught up in his own troubles that there isn’t room for what is going on in my life in his head.

Spending my nights alone because the only way for him to emotionally engage with me is when he is on medicine that sends him to bed early in the night.

Aching for children, but not daring to go there because the weight of fear and other responsibilities.

Feeling I bear the weight of providing for us, because if I can just take care of us well enough, maybe, just maybe there will be room enough in his mind for me and how I’m doing.

Realizing that with all these less than optimal moments I still melt when he really looks at me and I hear him pray for me. Realizing that what can feel like long moments of pain balances with the glimpses of joy. And that it is so worth it to be someone’s somebody, to be their number one and help them through hell. And to be loved with someone who has seen such darkness and has such empathy for your pain. To lay with your head in their lap as they touch your shoulder or play with your hair and know that they have seen your soul and you have seen theirs and you still love each other because of it.


Hi my name is Alison Fabricius Gardner. I met my husband back in 2011 and we have been on quite the exciting adventure together. We have faced ups and downs through multiple depressive episodes, college degrees, and church service.

I am a life long learner and love helping and serving others. My greatest joy comes in sharing knowledge and seeing others have light bulb moments. I love teaching and creating videos for my YouTube channel. My greatest hope is to help others feel that they are heard, known, and that they are not alone.

I have seen darkness, but choose to never live there because I know the power of the light and I want to help you feel that light and hope in your life so that you can re-invest in your marriage and embrace happiness in your life.

Want to learn more?

Get 4 of my best tips to get you on the right track.


Logan, UT



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