What I wish someone would have told me after my husband almost committed suicide

11 October 2019

I wish someone would have said

“it’s okay that you are angry, angry that he walked out the door and a bit angry that he walked back in.” “It’s okay that you didn’t even feel anything while he was gone, that you were panicked as he talked about leaving, numb while he was gone as you went through your plan B’s, and you feel horribly guilty that you resented a bit when he walked back in the door because it meant you were both in pain and there wasn’t an end in sight.”

I wish someone would have said

that I wasn’t a bad wife for not forcing him into some kind of treatment. That I wasn’t a bad human being for not forcing him to do something that he adamantly refused to do. Because he had already been through treatment, he had already tried the medicines, and done the therapy and yet still here we were, him praying that Heavenly Father would take him before the morning and me listening to that prayer having no idea how to say enough times that I loved him and I wanted him to still be alive next to me in the morning (and having no idea how serious he was being).

I wish someone would have said

“oh that must be awful” and hold me for as long as I needed because the one thing I needed was a hug, I didn’t need to be told it would all be all right (because it wasn’t and wouldn’t be) and I didn’t need to be told what I should’ve done. I just needed the one thing that my husband couldn’t give me in that moment, human touch by someone that was okay in their own skin, because we weren’t okay in ours.

I wish someone would have looked me in the eye and said

“it’s okay, we’ve got him for a while, you can rest” even though I wouldn’t have left or even slept, but just to know that the weight wasn’t only on my shoulders. I was young and naive and it didn’t feel right to hand off the person I loved the most into the hands of someone else. I couldn’t betray the trust of the person who said they trusted me,through word and act.

To have someone say that even if it didn’t all go away it would ease over time and the person I love is still in there and loving me, even if they can’t say it.

To have someone say that

I can let go of the numb and the pain and one day maybe months in the future I would be okay again.

Maybe you are afraid to tell anyone what just happened in your life. Maybe your mind hasn’t quite grasped what just happened, even though your heart aches. Or maybe you feel like you didn’t handle it very well. Or maybe you did share and you wish it went a little differently. Whatever the case, I hope these words might be a help to you, that you might know somewhere out there someone is saying these words to you now. You are known and whatever happened this time or what happens next or never happens again, now this someone has shared these words with you.

If things have gotten heavy, if you need someone who knows what you wish you could have heard, please reach out, schedule a call where I can meet you where you are. Here for You Call

Alison

Hi my name is Alison Fabricius Gardner. I met my husband back in 2011 and we have been on quite the exciting adventure together. We have faced ups and downs through multiple depressive episodes, college degrees, and church service.

I am a life long learner and love helping and serving others. My greatest joy comes in sharing knowledge and seeing others have light bulb moments. I love teaching and creating videos for my YouTube channel. My greatest hope is to help others feel that they are heard, known, and that they are not alone.

I have seen darkness, but choose to never live there because I know the power of the light and I want to help you feel that light and hope in your life so that you can re-invest in your marriage and embrace happiness in your life.

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Location

Logan, UT

84321

Mission

Have the marriage you dreamed of when you got married. Build the happiness you want, even though you're busy helping a spouse with mental illness.

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(208)643-5640

alison@empoweringlowerlights.com

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