For me I thought my husband and I would hold hands all the time, that we would be able to talk about anything and everything, that he would go grocery shopping with me, and that we would go to every family function together and love every minute of it.
I didn't know what mental illness was like up close and personal.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and those first 3 years were really tough. I knew he struggled with anxiety and depression before we got married, we've known each other for 8 years and I had seen small windows into his moments of anxiety and depression, but nothing prepared me for what it would be like to see it up close and personal day in and day out 24/7.
Having my husband, the person I love most, tell me he wanted to die because he couldn't handle the hurt anymore.
Having my spouse being angry at God because he felt God wouldn't just let him die and be released from his anguish.
Wanting so much to have a baby so I could have someone to cuddle with when my husband was distant. While at the same time terrified to bring an innocent life into the maelstrom of pain, anguish and anger (I felt) terrified me. Always fearing an accidental pregnancy.
I felt very isolated from my family. Sometimes they felt he was manipulating me, I didn't fully understand what was going on so I didn't know how to share it with them in a way they could understand. So I just stopped sharing.
After a year or two of seeing the same cycle (being okay, being triggered, spiraling, hitting rock bottom, climbing out of suicidal thoughts, being okay etc) play out over and over again I lost hope that there could be lasting change for the better.
I lived in fear of downward spirals so much I lost my joy in other parts of life. I forgot how to laugh and care for my own emotions. Even in good times I couldn't shake the fear and frustration.
Have you ever felt any of these things? You have? I want to help you. Book a discovery call today where we can talk and I can give you some options of how you don't have to stay in these feelings forever. There is hope, let's talk so you can see there is a way through the darkness of this pain and fear.
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